I have to credit Fark.com for carrying the best headline I have yet come across relating to the particular piece of news I am commenting on: "Jesus Prepares to Receive Oral" [1].
Yes, Oral Roberts is dead [2]. We don't know whether or not he will rise again, but he is dead now, and has been since December 15, 2009. The question that may be on many people's minds is this: How many millions of dollars is required for his revival? If he needed $8 million to avoid God calling him home, perhaps his son Richard Roberts needs something to the tune of $16 million to bring him back. For the sake of humorous speculation, let us assume that a ten percent interest accrual since January 1987 has been in effect. The grand total almost twenty-three years later comes to $18,400,000. Now that is a steep price for bringing a man such as Oral Roberts from the grave and back into life. In any case, and speculation aside (although I wish this could be mere speculation), I have no doubt Richard Roberts will manage to pull more unwarranted and absurd amounts of money from the joke of a college that Oral Roberts founded back in 1963. This brings me to the one and only thing I find regrettable about Oral's death; he passed away before the university scandal has completely played out to its fullest.
By way of background, Granville Oral Roberts was a Pentecostal televangelist whose fame could not be said to be compelling or widespread in any significant sense prior to the 1980s. It was in January of 1987 that he suddenly became famous, for it was at this time that he ventured to proclaim to his vast viewership that unless he raised $8 million by March 31 of that year, God would "call me home" [3]. This is probably the greatest case of theological extortion I have personally ever heard of. And yet it also resulted in one of Saturday Night Live's greatest skits, with one of the greatest lines that in my opinion may even give Dan Aykroyd's "Jane, you ignorant slut" a run for its money. On the March 28, 1987 episode, Charlton Heston played God dressed in a business suit, in a skit about Oral Roberts. The skit had Oral Roberts (played by Phil Hartman) praying on his knees. Suddenly, the door opens up. Bright light floods the room as Charlton Heston's voice rings out and says, "Oral! Have you got the money?"
James Randi, a professional conjurer who has made a career out of applying his expertise to investigating claims of the supernatural, was influential in exposing a number of faith-healing televangelists in the 1980s as charlatans and con artists. In his devastating 1987 book The Faith Healers, Randi turned a piercing investigative eye to Oral Roberts and his theological extortion. Randi effectively highlights the routes Roberts wound his way through to rationalize his position to other evangelical peers. I suspect that these conference peers, under the guise of preferring a humble attitude from others such as Roberts who ran competing evangelical businesses, were really concerned with the possibility that Roberts may increase his number of gullible followers at their expense:
The skill of rationalization enjoyed by extortionists and opportunists who invoke divine calling to justify their actions is nothing short of astounding. Consider, for example, the following scenario, which is entirely imaginary: Imagine if Roberts had died two days after raising the money, long enough for the first headline to be published and thus necessitating that they then publish the other one. If the two events occurred too close together, one would likely expect to see two dramatic headlines, one reading "Oral Roberts Dies," and another declaring "Prophecy Fulfilled!" or some such thing. On the other hand, if the raising of the $8 million had occurred a sufficient number of days before Roberts' death, what would likely happen is that Roberts' ministry would first announce, "We have raised our $8 million goal; God will spare the life of Oral Roberts." When he dies two days later, the rationalization begins to kick in. One might well imagine the now leader-deprived ministry would announce something to the effect of "Somebody wrote a hot check, and we came out just a little short." Unfortunately, Roberts did not die in early April of 1987. The above scenario stands as humorous speculation.
Oral Roberts is an infamous posterboy for evangelist absurdity for many other reasons, not least of which is his claim that he encountered a 900-foot-tall Jesus in a vision, who commanded him to establish the City of Faith Medical and Research Center in Tulsa, Oklahoma. The Tulsa World reported in October of 1980 that
On the campus of Oral Roberts University, there stands a 60-foot, 30-ton bronze statue he himself commissioned. Cast in 1980 by sculptor Leonard McMurray, the statue is nothing more than a giant pair of praying hands [6]. A reader of the Atheist Experience blog has humorously pointed out in the comments to a recent entry written by Martin Wagner that it is a lot funnier if one imagines those bronze hands as belonging to Mr. Burns from The Simpsons as he croons "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeexceeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeellllllllllllleeeeeeeeeeent!" [7]. (By the way, this pop culture allusion is entirely apt, seeing as The Simpsons' lovably inane fundie character Ned Flanders is portrayed as being a graduate of Oral Roberts University). Since the praying hands are the only feature of the entire statue, I am inclined to allow my imagination to run wild, as others recently have. Perhaps Oral should be buried in just that very manner. Rather than going the usual route of burying him six feet under, it may be more apropos to bury him 18 inches under so that only his praying hands (or, eventually, his dessicated praying hands) are visible. Also, as can be seen in the photograph of this sculpture, the hands are a bit separated near the bottom of the palms as they angle into each other. Another bright idea that some have suggested emerges from this observation is to preserve Oral Roberts à la Lenin's Mausoleum, placing his plasticized body in that small space under the praying hands.
Jerry Falwell died in 2007. My thoughts concerning the passing of the ridiculous Oral Roberts are the same as my thoughts concerning Falwell were at the time. I am sorry that his family lost somebody that they loved. However, I am not too sorry. The old fuck lived for 91 years. That is much longer than most of the people whose money he was taking in order to continue living as long as he did. Granville Oral Roberts left behind a sickening legacy; he accomplished that which most ministers of his ilk seem to thrive at. He thrived at little more than leeching on society by allowing people to drain their finances and livelihood to pay for him to contribute absolutely nothing in all his long and wasted years (the 80s industrial jazz band "MC 900 Ft. Jesus" notwithstanding). And this is the reason why I am not the slightest bit sorry that Oral Roberts is dead, and I do not apologize for saying so. In fact, I wish that he had died years ago before stealing so much money from so many gullible people, many of whom were already struggling financially.
One of the only sad aspects of being a rational materialist whose basis of knowledge is grounded in evidence and reason is knowing that there will never be an "I -told-you-so" moment to enjoy. Granville Oral Roberts will not find himself at the Pearly Gates and have somebody tell him angrily "What the fuck were you thinking?! This was not what we told you!" I do not believe that is going to happen, which is a shame. In the nightmarish yet unlikely event that Oral Roberts returns back to life from the grave in the near or far future, I shall stand corrected.
1. http://www.fark.com/cgi/comments.pl?IDLink=4856608&hl=Jesus-prepares-to-receive-Oral
2. CNN. "Evangelist Oral Roberts dead at 91." CNN U.S. (December 16, 2009).
http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/12/15/oral.roberts/index.html
3. Ostling, Richard N., Dolan, Barbara and Harris, Michael P. "Religion: Raising Eyebrows and the Dead." Time (July 13, 1987).
4. Randi, James. The Faith Healers. Buffalo, NY: Prometheus Books, 1987, p. 186.
5. Staff Reports. "Oral Roberts tells of talking to 900-foot Jesus." Tulsa World (October 16, 1980).
http://www.tulsaworld.com/news/article.aspx?articleid=20080326_222_67873
6. See the photograph below and at http://www.agilitynut.com/06/3/oral1.jpg
7. See http://atheistexperience.blogspot.com/2009/12/900-tall-jesus-steps-on-oral-roberts.html .
Yes, Oral Roberts is dead [2]. We don't know whether or not he will rise again, but he is dead now, and has been since December 15, 2009. The question that may be on many people's minds is this: How many millions of dollars is required for his revival? If he needed $8 million to avoid God calling him home, perhaps his son Richard Roberts needs something to the tune of $16 million to bring him back. For the sake of humorous speculation, let us assume that a ten percent interest accrual since January 1987 has been in effect. The grand total almost twenty-three years later comes to $18,400,000. Now that is a steep price for bringing a man such as Oral Roberts from the grave and back into life. In any case, and speculation aside (although I wish this could be mere speculation), I have no doubt Richard Roberts will manage to pull more unwarranted and absurd amounts of money from the joke of a college that Oral Roberts founded back in 1963. This brings me to the one and only thing I find regrettable about Oral's death; he passed away before the university scandal has completely played out to its fullest.
By way of background, Granville Oral Roberts was a Pentecostal televangelist whose fame could not be said to be compelling or widespread in any significant sense prior to the 1980s. It was in January of 1987 that he suddenly became famous, for it was at this time that he ventured to proclaim to his vast viewership that unless he raised $8 million by March 31 of that year, God would "call me home" [3]. This is probably the greatest case of theological extortion I have personally ever heard of. And yet it also resulted in one of Saturday Night Live's greatest skits, with one of the greatest lines that in my opinion may even give Dan Aykroyd's "Jane, you ignorant slut" a run for its money. On the March 28, 1987 episode, Charlton Heston played God dressed in a business suit, in a skit about Oral Roberts. The skit had Oral Roberts (played by Phil Hartman) praying on his knees. Suddenly, the door opens up. Bright light floods the room as Charlton Heston's voice rings out and says, "Oral! Have you got the money?"
James Randi, a professional conjurer who has made a career out of applying his expertise to investigating claims of the supernatural, was influential in exposing a number of faith-healing televangelists in the 1980s as charlatans and con artists. In his devastating 1987 book The Faith Healers, Randi turned a piercing investigative eye to Oral Roberts and his theological extortion. Randi effectively highlights the routes Roberts wound his way through to rationalize his position to other evangelical peers. I suspect that these conference peers, under the guise of preferring a humble attitude from others such as Roberts who ran competing evangelical businesses, were really concerned with the possibility that Roberts may increase his number of gullible followers at their expense:
Shortly before the exciting conclusion of what the press came to refer to as the "Roberts deathwatch" early in 1987, Oral had appeared at a Conference on World Evangelism to explain himself. He had already tried to explain how he knows that God speaks directly to him, a claim he often made to his followers.
For the folks at the conference, he was a little more specific on that point. He set forth a scenario in which he explained that everything Jesus ever said wasn't necessarily written down in the Bible (one can imagine such omitted comments as "Isn't Jerusalem dull on a weeknight?" and "If these crowds don't stop touching my garment, I'll smite someone!"), and that therefore Roberts was able to tune in to God and company and supply a lot of unwritten holy words. Thus, what he reported God had told him would not necessarily be found already written in the scriptures [4].
The skill of rationalization enjoyed by extortionists and opportunists who invoke divine calling to justify their actions is nothing short of astounding. Consider, for example, the following scenario, which is entirely imaginary: Imagine if Roberts had died two days after raising the money, long enough for the first headline to be published and thus necessitating that they then publish the other one. If the two events occurred too close together, one would likely expect to see two dramatic headlines, one reading "Oral Roberts Dies," and another declaring "Prophecy Fulfilled!" or some such thing. On the other hand, if the raising of the $8 million had occurred a sufficient number of days before Roberts' death, what would likely happen is that Roberts' ministry would first announce, "We have raised our $8 million goal; God will spare the life of Oral Roberts." When he dies two days later, the rationalization begins to kick in. One might well imagine the now leader-deprived ministry would announce something to the effect of "Somebody wrote a hot check, and we came out just a little short." Unfortunately, Roberts did not die in early April of 1987. The above scenario stands as humorous speculation.
Oral Roberts is an infamous posterboy for evangelist absurdity for many other reasons, not least of which is his claim that he encountered a 900-foot-tall Jesus in a vision, who commanded him to establish the City of Faith Medical and Research Center in Tulsa, Oklahoma. The Tulsa World reported in October of 1980 that
A 900-foot-tall Jesus Christ assured Oral Roberts his massive City of Faith project will be built, Roberts says in a fund-raising letter recently brought to light by one of his detractors.
According to the letter forwarded by Thompson [a Tulsa physician who opposed the project], Roberts says he encountered Jesus at 7 p.m. as Roberts stood praying in front of the City of Faith in south Tulsa. He said it was the second time he had met him.
In the letter, Roberts told his partners, "I felt an overwhelming holy presence all around me. When I opened my eyes, there He stood...some 900 feet tall, looking at me; His eyes...Oh! His eyes! He stood a full 300 feet taller than the 600 foot tall City of Faith."
"There I was face to face with Jesus Christ, the Son of the Living God," Roberts continued.
"I have only seen Jesus once before, but here I was face to face with the King of Kings. He stared at me without saying a word; Oh! I will never forget those eyes! And then he reached down, put His hands under the City of Faith, lifted it, and said to me, 'See how easy it is for me to lift it!' Roberts said." [5].
On the campus of Oral Roberts University, there stands a 60-foot, 30-ton bronze statue he himself commissioned. Cast in 1980 by sculptor Leonard McMurray, the statue is nothing more than a giant pair of praying hands [6]. A reader of the Atheist Experience blog has humorously pointed out in the comments to a recent entry written by Martin Wagner that it is a lot funnier if one imagines those bronze hands as belonging to Mr. Burns from The Simpsons as he croons "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeexceeeeee
Jerry Falwell died in 2007. My thoughts concerning the passing of the ridiculous Oral Roberts are the same as my thoughts concerning Falwell were at the time. I am sorry that his family lost somebody that they loved. However, I am not too sorry. The old fuck lived for 91 years. That is much longer than most of the people whose money he was taking in order to continue living as long as he did. Granville Oral Roberts left behind a sickening legacy; he accomplished that which most ministers of his ilk seem to thrive at. He thrived at little more than leeching on society by allowing people to drain their finances and livelihood to pay for him to contribute absolutely nothing in all his long and wasted years (the 80s industrial jazz band "MC 900 Ft. Jesus" notwithstanding). And this is the reason why I am not the slightest bit sorry that Oral Roberts is dead, and I do not apologize for saying so. In fact, I wish that he had died years ago before stealing so much money from so many gullible people, many of whom were already struggling financially.
One of the only sad aspects of being a rational materialist whose basis of knowledge is grounded in evidence and reason is knowing that there will never be an "I -told-you-so" moment to enjoy. Granville Oral Roberts will not find himself at the Pearly Gates and have somebody tell him angrily "What the fuck were you thinking?! This was not what we told you!" I do not believe that is going to happen, which is a shame. In the nightmarish yet unlikely event that Oral Roberts returns back to life from the grave in the near or far future, I shall stand corrected.
1. http://www.fark.com/cgi/co
2. CNN. "Evangelist Oral Roberts dead at 91." CNN U.S. (December 16, 2009).
http://www.cnn.com/2009/US
3. Ostling, Richard N., Dolan, Barbara and Harris, Michael P. "Religion: Raising Eyebrows and the Dead." Time (July 13, 1987).
4. Randi, James. The Faith Healers. Buffalo, NY: Prometheus Books, 1987, p. 186.
5. Staff Reports. "Oral Roberts tells of talking to 900-foot Jesus." Tulsa World (October 16, 1980).
http://www.tulsaworld.com/
6. See the photograph below and at http://www.agilitynut.com/
7. See http://atheistexperience.b


